http://www.theodoresworld.net
(aka Wild Thing)
A GIANT HEARTFELT THANK YOU LADIES FOR LETTING ME LEAD OTHERS TO YOUR WEBSITES ... WE MUST STAY UNITED!!
UNITED ... We Stand ~ DIVIDED ... We Fall
WHY must we be considered either American or Canadian? Why can't we just be North American's? I have thought this way for many, many years. Even as a child I pondered this question. Never understood how two countries right next door to each other and so much alike could feel so divided in so many ways. There is no "great wall" or "barbed wire" separating our two countries ... the only things that may separate us are misconceptions, misunderstandings and misinformation.
Tolerance, acceptance and respect are all that's needed to understand one another ... same as any kind of relationship. It need not be on a grand scale ... every country, race, creed, religion, etc. has it's good and bad. But, if we look closely ... we will see that the good always out weighs the bad ... and good always wins the fight in the long run.
Do these same rules not apply to being a "combat wife"?? Whether we are their wives before, during or after they have "been there"? We may not fully understand what they went through ... but we do understand what we go through living with them. Not every day is sunshine and roses ... some days are harder than others. But we do our best to understand them...sympathize with them...help them...and how very much we love them!! We are proud of them...we stand taller because we ARE their "wives" ... we are honored to have them love us ... and we are oh so thankful they came into our lives.
Now ... MY story is a little different than most "combat wives".
In case you haven't figured it out by now ... I am not American ... I am Canadian ... and proud of it. I also come from a wonderful country where freedom didn't come without bloodshed. Is there any country where it did? I think not. We all fight for what is right or for something we strongly believe in or even for those who cannot fight for themselves.
The saddest part of my story actually does not even involve me ... not directly anyway. You see, my husband was married three times before...and not one of those "American" women was proud of what he did for his country. I think that is very sad. They all told him he didn't have a problem with PTSD ... he was just another "crazy Nam Vet". (Mind you, he also denied having a problem ... but that was because of society's image of him after he returned.) So, all of his feelings, emotions and thoughts ended up being buried deep inside for the next 37 - 38 years. Not a healthy thing for anyone to do after being so traumatized.
It seems that I am the first woman in his life to tell him how proud he should be for all the good he did in Vietnam and since his return in 1969. This man was wounded, not once, not twice ... but three times ... in 6 short months of being "in country". That's a lot for a 20 year old to handle ... especially being a Corpsman ... trying to save the lives of not only Marines you don't know ... but your "brothers" as well. How hard it must be to see a friend die in front of you ... on more than one occasion ... and still carry on with the job you were sent there to do. Taking care of the wounded ... wanting to save the life of every Marine ... and feeling guilty because you couldn't. That doesn't even take into account the "working conditions" that had to be endured. No sterile surroundings, just rain, mud, heat, enemy fire, bugs by the millions, and goodness knows what else. Waiting for those choppers to come swooping down and carry the wounded off to hospital facilities and praying that they made it ... healed up ... and got to go home to their families. Praying that you made it and got to home to your family. But it was not his decision as to who came home in a body bag and who did not. That was up to a much higher power. (My husband still struggles with that though ... the ones he could not save. I tell him it's because it was meant to be that way ~ as much as he hates to hear that.)
But in the long run ... they came home to what? Ridicule, disrespect, name calling, emotional torture, being socially ostracized, and in some cases, families who turned their backs on you. Or having your wife find out how you earned a medal and citation and hearing her say "Are you nuts?" What a blow that is to the ego ... especially for someone who has just returned from a war and has already started with self doubt after living through such a nightmare ... how awful it is to be treated that way by a so called "loved one". This person is suppose to love and support you, stand behind you, believe in you ... in good times and in bad. I don't understand how a spouse could turn their back on a loved one upon coming home from a war.
Am I the one who is different? Is there something I don't understand? I think not ... but I do know one thing for sure. These ex spouses all had a wonderful man as a husband ... they just didn't realize it. I'm not saying that every day was a walk in the park with him ... he came home with major issues to deal with. But they did not afford him the comfort he needed and deserved ... nor did they give him the support he needed and deserved ... and they certainly did not give him the "respect" he EARNED !!!
No wonder these men came home asking themselves so many difficult questions. Perhaps wondering things like, "Now what do I do with my life?" "What kind of jobs will I qualify for?" "How can anyone love me?"
Well ... in my husband's case ... would it surprise you to find out he was mostly in the medical field? Actually, he has been a police officer, a volunteer fire fighter, EMS, and a trauma nurse (for over 20 years). It made sense to him ... I think his career choices stemmed a lot from what I call the "I couldn't save them all over there ... so maybe I can save more lives here on home ground" syndrome. A lot of this time period he would be working 2 or 3 of these jobs at the same time. Why? Was he a workaholic? I don't think it was that as much as it was trying to bury the past by not giving himself time to think about it ... along with staying away from the home life and the ridicule and shame he was made to feel by those around him for being a Vietnam Vet in the first place.
So many days I wish I had been the one waiting for him when he "came home". So that he would have been told he should be proud of his accomplishments ... made to feel wanted, needed, loved and cared for. I am the one who feels badly for how others treated him in the past. How they were not grateful for everything he did to make their lives better ... and he did. They had everything they needed ... they wanted for nothing!!!
But at what sacrifice to this wonderful man? Do they not realize how beaten down he was ... and still is in many ways. I don't think they do ... don't think they care ... or ever did. How very sad and pitiful that is considering what this man and so many others gave for their country, friends and families. The price these men paid for others freedoms.
I spend so many days wishing he had come home to the luxury of an understanding, caring and supportive spouse. How very different that could have and would have made his life.
BUT ... on the other hand ... had it happened that way ... they would probably still be married ... or he could still be married to number two, or even number three ... and I would not be here now. I never thought that being in "fourth" place for something would ever feel so good and so right!!
But it does ... we were saved for each other for a reason ... by a higher power ... and had we not gone through the things we have each endured ...had we not been in the places we were at in our lives when we found each other ... we would not have met ~ we would not be here now ~ we would not know the joy of each other's company ~ we would not know what real, deep, true, fulfilling, complete, love is.
Even now, this man has taken on a big responsibility. You see, not only does he love me and his own family ... but he loves my children too. My daughter is grown with two children of her own and she is back home in Canada. But I also have an 8 year old son ... and this man has taken on the task of helping to raise him ... without question. When I asked him about it several times, I always got the same response. "Your son is an extension of you, therefore, I love him too." My son now has the father he deserves. Something he never really had before ... and he is thriving!
Life is not perfect by any means ... I don't say that because my husband is a Nam Vet ... I say that because life is not perfect for anyone. But, being married to a Veteran who has not had the opportunity to deal with the issues they bring home does have separate issues. I am sure there are things my son and I do that drive my husband crazy too. But we get through one day at a time ... one problem at a time.
I have told him from day one that I will be here for him no matter what ... and I will be. (Unless the day comes when he decides he'd be better off with someone else or on his own.) We will get through these issues ... or learn how to handle them ... or cope with them. Whatever the resolution is ... I will not be behind him ... I will be at his side ... holding his hand ~ caring for his heart.
I do know that NO ONE could ever love this man as deeply and completely as I do ... because I never thought this kind of love was possible.
"From this day forward ~ till death us do part" are not just words to me ... it truly is my lifetime commitment to my wonderful Vietnam Veteran !!!
As "combat wives" ~ even we may not understand why we love these men some days ... we just do ... and that's all that really matters.
WHY must we be considered either American or Canadian? Why can't we just be North American's? I have thought this way for many, many years. Even as a child I pondered this question. Never understood how two countries right next door to each other and so much alike could feel so divided in so many ways. There is no "great wall" or "barbed wire" separating our two countries ... the only things that may separate us are misconceptions, misunderstandings and misinformation.
Tolerance, acceptance and respect are all that's needed to understand one another ... same as any kind of relationship. It need not be on a grand scale ... every country, race, creed, religion, etc. has it's good and bad. But, if we look closely ... we will see that the good always out weighs the bad ... and good always wins the fight in the long run.
Do these same rules not apply to being a "combat wife"?? Whether we are their wives before, during or after they have "been there"? We may not fully understand what they went through ... but we do understand what we go through living with them. Not every day is sunshine and roses ... some days are harder than others. But we do our best to understand them...sympathize with them...help them...and how very much we love them!! We are proud of them...we stand taller because we ARE their "wives" ... we are honored to have them love us ... and we are oh so thankful they came into our lives.
Now ... MY story is a little different than most "combat wives".
In case you haven't figured it out by now ... I am not American ... I am Canadian ... and proud of it. I also come from a wonderful country where freedom didn't come without bloodshed. Is there any country where it did? I think not. We all fight for what is right or for something we strongly believe in or even for those who cannot fight for themselves.
The saddest part of my story actually does not even involve me ... not directly anyway. You see, my husband was married three times before...and not one of those "American" women was proud of what he did for his country. I think that is very sad. They all told him he didn't have a problem with PTSD ... he was just another "crazy Nam Vet". (Mind you, he also denied having a problem ... but that was because of society's image of him after he returned.) So, all of his feelings, emotions and thoughts ended up being buried deep inside for the next 37 - 38 years. Not a healthy thing for anyone to do after being so traumatized.
It seems that I am the first woman in his life to tell him how proud he should be for all the good he did in Vietnam and since his return in 1969. This man was wounded, not once, not twice ... but three times ... in 6 short months of being "in country". That's a lot for a 20 year old to handle ... especially being a Corpsman ... trying to save the lives of not only Marines you don't know ... but your "brothers" as well. How hard it must be to see a friend die in front of you ... on more than one occasion ... and still carry on with the job you were sent there to do. Taking care of the wounded ... wanting to save the life of every Marine ... and feeling guilty because you couldn't. That doesn't even take into account the "working conditions" that had to be endured. No sterile surroundings, just rain, mud, heat, enemy fire, bugs by the millions, and goodness knows what else. Waiting for those choppers to come swooping down and carry the wounded off to hospital facilities and praying that they made it ... healed up ... and got to go home to their families. Praying that you made it and got to home to your family. But it was not his decision as to who came home in a body bag and who did not. That was up to a much higher power. (My husband still struggles with that though ... the ones he could not save. I tell him it's because it was meant to be that way ~ as much as he hates to hear that.)
But in the long run ... they came home to what? Ridicule, disrespect, name calling, emotional torture, being socially ostracized, and in some cases, families who turned their backs on you. Or having your wife find out how you earned a medal and citation and hearing her say "Are you nuts?" What a blow that is to the ego ... especially for someone who has just returned from a war and has already started with self doubt after living through such a nightmare ... how awful it is to be treated that way by a so called "loved one". This person is suppose to love and support you, stand behind you, believe in you ... in good times and in bad. I don't understand how a spouse could turn their back on a loved one upon coming home from a war.
Am I the one who is different? Is there something I don't understand? I think not ... but I do know one thing for sure. These ex spouses all had a wonderful man as a husband ... they just didn't realize it. I'm not saying that every day was a walk in the park with him ... he came home with major issues to deal with. But they did not afford him the comfort he needed and deserved ... nor did they give him the support he needed and deserved ... and they certainly did not give him the "respect" he EARNED !!!
No wonder these men came home asking themselves so many difficult questions. Perhaps wondering things like, "Now what do I do with my life?" "What kind of jobs will I qualify for?" "How can anyone love me?"
Well ... in my husband's case ... would it surprise you to find out he was mostly in the medical field? Actually, he has been a police officer, a volunteer fire fighter, EMS, and a trauma nurse (for over 20 years). It made sense to him ... I think his career choices stemmed a lot from what I call the "I couldn't save them all over there ... so maybe I can save more lives here on home ground" syndrome. A lot of this time period he would be working 2 or 3 of these jobs at the same time. Why? Was he a workaholic? I don't think it was that as much as it was trying to bury the past by not giving himself time to think about it ... along with staying away from the home life and the ridicule and shame he was made to feel by those around him for being a Vietnam Vet in the first place.
So many days I wish I had been the one waiting for him when he "came home". So that he would have been told he should be proud of his accomplishments ... made to feel wanted, needed, loved and cared for. I am the one who feels badly for how others treated him in the past. How they were not grateful for everything he did to make their lives better ... and he did. They had everything they needed ... they wanted for nothing!!!
But at what sacrifice to this wonderful man? Do they not realize how beaten down he was ... and still is in many ways. I don't think they do ... don't think they care ... or ever did. How very sad and pitiful that is considering what this man and so many others gave for their country, friends and families. The price these men paid for others freedoms.
I spend so many days wishing he had come home to the luxury of an understanding, caring and supportive spouse. How very different that could have and would have made his life.
BUT ... on the other hand ... had it happened that way ... they would probably still be married ... or he could still be married to number two, or even number three ... and I would not be here now. I never thought that being in "fourth" place for something would ever feel so good and so right!!
But it does ... we were saved for each other for a reason ... by a higher power ... and had we not gone through the things we have each endured ...had we not been in the places we were at in our lives when we found each other ... we would not have met ~ we would not be here now ~ we would not know the joy of each other's company ~ we would not know what real, deep, true, fulfilling, complete, love is.
Even now, this man has taken on a big responsibility. You see, not only does he love me and his own family ... but he loves my children too. My daughter is grown with two children of her own and she is back home in Canada. But I also have an 8 year old son ... and this man has taken on the task of helping to raise him ... without question. When I asked him about it several times, I always got the same response. "Your son is an extension of you, therefore, I love him too." My son now has the father he deserves. Something he never really had before ... and he is thriving!
Life is not perfect by any means ... I don't say that because my husband is a Nam Vet ... I say that because life is not perfect for anyone. But, being married to a Veteran who has not had the opportunity to deal with the issues they bring home does have separate issues. I am sure there are things my son and I do that drive my husband crazy too. But we get through one day at a time ... one problem at a time.
I have told him from day one that I will be here for him no matter what ... and I will be. (Unless the day comes when he decides he'd be better off with someone else or on his own.) We will get through these issues ... or learn how to handle them ... or cope with them. Whatever the resolution is ... I will not be behind him ... I will be at his side ... holding his hand ~ caring for his heart.
I do know that NO ONE could ever love this man as deeply and completely as I do ... because I never thought this kind of love was possible.
"From this day forward ~ till death us do part" are not just words to me ... it truly is my lifetime commitment to my wonderful Vietnam Veteran !!!
As "combat wives" ~ even we may not understand why we love these men some days ... we just do ... and that's all that really matters.
